Let It Be NCLEX Exam, Just Let It Be

For the last few weeks I've been studying for the NCLEX back here in Chicago. About 8 hours a day, 6 days a week since Jan. 3rd.

The exam is tomorrow morning at 8 am.

If I'm being honest with myself, the studying is not going well. I can say without irony that I feel like I'm getting dumber the more I study. In the last few days before graduation, I took two NCLEX prep/readiness predictor tests to evaluate how prepared I was to take the exam. On both, I score in the 87-89%. You'd think that if you took that percentage and added to it an additional three weeks of study and prep, my chance of passing the exam should be in the nineties.

In the last few days, my scores on the practice exams have been steadily dropping, like to ridiculously low levels. So low, that I'm starting to panic. It feels like I'm in some kind of nightmare. I wake in the mornings thinking about the exam and my heart races; I have panic attacks.

I took the day off today to give my head a well-needed break from practice questions. Went to a movie this afternoon to enjoy some mindless diversion. I'm not sure it worked.

But one glimmer of hope: If God exists, he talks to me through my radio. And driving home this evening XRT played two songs back-to-back. The first was The Beatles "Let It Be" which is one of my 10 Desert Island Songs and one of two songs I want played at my funeral. The other, which followed immediately afterwards, was Coldplay's "Life in Technicolor" which is not only one of my favorite Coldplay songs, but it also has particular significance to by nursing career thus far.

I'm taking these as good signs for tomorrow.

OK, enough bullshit. I need to go to sleep so I can get up early tomorrow and kick some NCLEX ass..

Getting a Lemon Lobbed at Your Junk Is Not a Good Way to Start the New Year

This morning, I was laying in the hotel room bed while Anthony was attempting to juggle with three lemons. (He wasn't doing it well.) At one point he threw one to me while I wasn't paying attention and it smacked me right in my balls. Goddamn, I have not been hit in the balls in probably 20 years and had forgotten how much it hurts.

Like, indescribable, mind and soul-numbing pain.

As I lay writhing in agony I remember thinking that my balls would never be the same again. As soon as I felt like I could stand I hurried to the bathroom to throw up.

I have high hopes for 2011. But this is so not the way I wanted it to start.

Happy 2011 everyone!

Graduation Tickets

As a class we received our tickets for next month's Graduation Ceremony. Only 4 tickets per student. Some people are pissed, but whatever.

I don't have any family coming (since it is such a short and small ceremony, and because I'll be back in Chicago two days later, I told my family to stay home), and no friends coming (who would I invite - the two guys I'm dating??), I gave my tickets away.

But I've been giving it some thought. Maybe I shouldn't have given them away so quickly. There are definitely some people in campus that I would have loved to have invited to watch me graduate:

1. Cornfed - there's this absolutely hot guy on campus, that I see all the time at the library, that I've named Cornfed. I know nothing about him other than he looks like he was raised on a Nebraska farm and is totally gorgeous. I drool when I see him walk by. Seriously. He could come watch me get pinned. Or, could pin me himself (see what I did there?).
2. Dry Erase Marker Teaching Assistant Guy - last year I completely stalked this TA who used to come into my Philosophy classroom before class and steal the dry erase markers from my classroom to take into his. He is cracker spreadable, and, unlike Cornfed, I think plays for my team. I figure that since I did him the favor of creepily stalking him for an entire year, the least he could do is come to my graduation.

Two people I definitely would not invite to my graduation:

1. Creepy Asian Stalker Guy - for about 6 months this guy I know from the gym has been asking me out for lunch, and each time I politely decline. But he just isn't getting the message.
2. Security Guard/Bouncer at the Lau - this woman likes to wield her fake power by inspecting every bag that comes into the library in case a student, God forbid, brings in a cookie or sandwich. Because that is a violation of Georgetown policy and, apparently, deserves public humiliation on her part. "Sir, you cannot bring that food in here!" Whatever, you unhappy harpie.

Graduation in something like 1 month + 3 days....

Nursing Humor

Yesterday Emily and I watched the Marine Corps Marathon to cheer our friend Danny. During the race, I guy runs past, looking pretty tired.
Emily: "Did you see that guy? He didn't look so good."
Me: "Yes, he looked like he was in some pain."
Emily: "I mean, he was pink. Like a newborn baby!"
Me: "Totally! I wonder what his APGAR score would be? Ha ha!"
Emily: "Ha ha!"
[Everyone else around us: "??? WTF???" ]

Fine. We're nursing nerds.

Open Letter To My Boyfriend, Ben Zo

Dear Ben Zo:

Since we met about a month ago (can you believe it's been that long? How time flies!), you've completely changed my life. For the better, mostly. You've taken away most of the anxiety of this last - and hardest - semester of school. It's true - because of you, I simply just don't get worked up over the little things. You've helped me see the silver lining in the clouds that make up my sad little student life.

Through all the deadlines, the exams, the quizzes, the care logs, the teaching plans, the clinicals, the senior practicums, the ATI tests, the presentations, etc., you've been there for me, helping me stay calm, stay focused, and keep my perspective. You've taught me that school is just a bunch of random facts and arbitrary rules, and I just need to play the game and get through. For this I am grateful.

You've even helped me relax a little and have fun this semester. I've gone out drinking a few more times than I would have thought; even a few dates. "Who has time for dates?" the old me would have said. But you've changed me. For the better. And again, for this I thank you.

Even my friends have noticed the change. "You seem happier, less stressed this semester," they say. "What's your secret?" And of course I tell them it's you, Ben Zo.

Not only that, Ben Zo, but you've completely changed my eating habits. Yeah - it's true! I'm not hungry - like, at all. As in: at no point during the day do I get hungry. I have to remind myself to eat! And because I no longer seem to have the time to exercise, since you've come along you're preventing me from ballooning into a stressed-out fattie!

However, as much as I love you and thank you for changing my outlook and helping me get through school, we need to talk about this whole sleeping thing. It's like this: Since we met, I just don't sleep.

You keep me up at night.

And on the one hand, staying up late is helping me crank through some homework (why, just tonight for example, after midnight I read a whole Saunders NCLEX chapter! Yay for me!). But on the other hand, lately when that alarm goes off early in the morning, I am bleary-eyed and simply unable to get out of bed because I'm plain tired.

You see: it is now 2am and I'm (still) wide awake (btw, I need to get up for clinical in just 4 hours), contemplating going out for a 5-mile run just so I will fall asleep.

See my point? When it is two in the morning and all I want to do is go for a fucking run through the mean streets of Columbia Heights and Logan Circle, I think it is safe to say we have a problem.**

So I guess what I'm trying to say here is that you need to cut me a break, OK? I love you, Ben Zo. But let me get some sleep. Please.

Thanks and good night.

** And yeah, before you even ask: I already masterbated tonight and that didn't do anything.

I Accidentally Got Drunk...

Is it bad to show up to a second date drunk?

I had no choice, really. This week was mid-term week, and it was hell. I pretty much bombed two of my three exams, and after the last one ended this afternoon, a few of us headed over to the closest bar to blow off some steam. And sorry, but if you put half a pitcher of beer (or more) in front of me, I'm going to drink it, goddammit. So sue me.**

Besides, I am kinda nervous about this date, which starts in about 15 minutes. I'm not sure I'm very compatible with this guy. He's really cute and very sweet. But personality-wise we may not be in sync. So a little alcohol-fueled bravado might be a good thing. For me, anyway. Maybe not so much for him.

But anyways...

** PS - In case you were wondering, I was drunk when I wrote this post. Yay for me.

These Are Days

The semester continues to freight train down the track, and I'm barely holding on.

The meds are definitely helping, though. Thanks to the benzos, I can barely care about anything. It is a beautiful day today and here I am holed up in the library, trying to study for my Complex II exam on Monday.

I know I should be more freaked out about the semester and all I have to do, but I'm not (again, thanks Klonipin!). After class yesterday, instead of heading to the library, I met some of the Cobras for a beer at Epicurian (ugh). A beer turned into a pitcher but who cares, I was surrounded by good friends.

The evening ended with dinner for Gina's birthday at a Mexican restaurant in Glover Park. Gina's a private person, but someone needed to tell the waitstaff to sing her happy birthday. She wanted to kill me, but hey. This is life.

These last few weeks have been different for me. It is as though things are clicking in ways they never did before. Warm sun in the afternoon but cool evenings. Days and nights of The National, Band of Horses and Arcade Fire. But I'm not sleeping well - pools of sweat at 2 am. Is it the meds?

Nine weeks from today is graduation. Yay. And Yikes.